Secrets of the Stars #1 Elton John

Aargh! Not another camera intruding on my private life!

I was reading casually on the internet earlier today, just browsing through the music news, when I came across a headline I just couldn’t believe. It truns out that Sir Reg, I mean Elton John, is secretly…SHY! I want you to understand the shock I felt when I read this. Being half asleep, my head filled in some of the sense and before I’d had a chance to digest it properly I thought for a minute they were suggesting that the fake furred flower fancier might be…well, never mind, I was half asleep, but imagine my shock on hearing the old Dame Edna impersonator is shy.

As Elton never said: ‘I first became aware of this painful shyness when I got the urge to swagger around with the big leather-clad mustachioed men who terrified Kensington Market in the late 60s. It became more apparent as I felt the need to dress myself in shiny platform boots and sequinned bodysuits and parade around on stage as the centre of attention for a crowd of thousands. It really came to a head when I started losing my hair, though. Luckily, by this time I was well enough connected to call Mrs Thatcher, who sent me off to see her brother, and after 20 years of hard work, my only real problem now is an infestation of rats”.

Anyway, I’ve done a bit of work (well, 30 seconds on Google Images to be honest) to show you just how shy brave Sir Elton really is:

One of a young Sir Elton's ingenious but ultimately unsuccessful attempts to blend in to the crowd

Brave Sir Elton conquers his fear to model a pink sequinned cowboy catsuit in a selfless bid to distract the world's media glare from a grateful Miss Piggy

His car collection beset by paparazzi, an outwardly calm Sir Elton attempts to protect it by selflessly putting his trembling body in the line of fire

Overcoming what can be a crippling affliction so completely is surely cause for some kind of celebration, maybe even a party. But no doubt Sir Elton would be too shy to throw one.